I've found myself wondering over the past week if it'll ever get any easier. Will the pain not feel as sharp after we've said good-bye a few times?
Then I wonder if I want it to get any easier. If it is easy to say good-bye, wouldn't that mean my love was lacking?
In all honesty it feels the same as it did when we miscarried 6 years ago. Like we lost someone who wasn't really ours to begin with. I remember feeling a little silly, then, grieving the loss of a child we hadn't really met or held or known. The same feeling of silliness is fresh today as I grieve the loss of a child we met, held, knew, and loved.
Still, we knew this was coming. It's what we signed up for. We knew good-bye would come in some form or another at some point or another. Why doesn't that knowledge make it any easier?
I think it's love.
I'm not sure that we understood fully that we were signing up to fall so deeply in love with a child. Honestly, I'm not sure that we even knew we'd fallen so deeply in love with him since there were many days that he was very hard to love.
In spite of that, he became a part of us and will always remain so. Partly because he taught us much about ourselves.
And, so, we let go. We repeat to ourselves Truth:
God is in control.
God loves us more than we can imagine.
God loves him more that we ever could or more than we can imagine.
God's pursuit of his heart is just as passionate as it is for our hearts and for the hearts of our little girls.
Just because we're finished with him, doesn't mean God is.
And, so, we give our Little Man to our Big God. We give him to Him.
And we...we let go.